The White House Gang Stories : Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

		T.R.
.

Theodore Roosevelt
26th President of the United States

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ADVENTURES OF THE WHITE HOUSE GANG

"Throwing Spitballs at Andrew Jackson's Portrait"

The first "crime" I remember was directed towards Andrew Jackson, towards his portrait, rather, which hung in the upper hall. Some very fine shots had been made with spitballs, and very soon Old Hickory was so covered with them that we dragged a chair under the portrait to arrange the wet lumps in designs-three on his forehead, "like an Arabian dancer", Quentin said, and one on the lobe of either ear.
A poultice of masticated newspaper was set upon the end of his nose, "to scare the flies away", and a gob over each of the buttons on his coat. When he was finished Andrew presented a startling appearance, and we were very proud of our handiwork. But we soon forgot it, in quest of some more boisterous and active adventure. That night, however, in the coolness of White House sheets - we had been invited to spend the night - our first exhausted drowsiness was broken by the apparition of TR pulling Q from the bed and, without the slightest explanation, disappearing with him into the ominous stillness of an otherwise sleeping mansion. When Q returned, he wore a courageous grin but otherwise, was much subdued.
He reported briefly that he, personally, had taken down every spitball from the painted effigy of President Jackson, but refrained from mentioning the obvious - that he had done so at TR's command, and under his watchful eye. In the morning Q led us before TR, who stood sternly before the portrait, rubbing his glasses vigorously with a handkerchief.
"Who stuck on the first spitball?" he asked fiercely. Quentin, Charlie and Dick all voiced confession together. "Impossible!" TR said, his voice ringing harshly down the hall. "It's all very sporting to try to take the blame from one another but I-want-the-truth!"
"I think I did," Quentin said."
You think!
" "Yessir -".
"I-I- (he pronounced it "Aiee") don't like this", TR said. "There is some uncertainty, some reluctance. Here is a case for trial. Oyez! Oyez! This Honourable Court - "
An usher came down the hall with a message for the President. He grinned at all of us, especially at Andrew Jackson. " Later, later -" said TR impatiently. " Tell him that I'm dispensing justice!"
The President sat in the armchair directly under the portrait. "Now, the truth of this," he demanded. "Just imagine how I would feel, if you rowdies, gangsters, villains, threw spitballs at my portrait!"
This amused Quentin vastly. "You wouldn't mind a bit," he said. "Besides, Andrew Jackson doesn't know; he's dead."
"What? No, I suppose I really wouldn't mind. And you're right, of course, about Jackson's being dead; but how do you come by the information that he doesn't know? You can't be sure of that, can you? Moreover, boys, this isn't your portrait- it belongs to the Government. You're very small shareholders in it-very small, indeed. In selecting a portrait as a target, however, he's better than a live President to sling things at, although the act is far more cowardly. And in the future, remember, you must not-"
And he read us a vigorous lecture on respect due to property, such as I shall never forget. The finding of the Court was, " Guilty! Altogether guilty!" The sentence,"Quentin may not see any of his friends for one week. You are his friends, so you can't come to the White House, for seven whole days."
He left us abruptly, his teeth flashing under his moustache, and saying over his shoulder, as he went - "The truth! The truth! Next time, remember, be quicker with the truth!"
For a moment, we stood in silence before Jackson's portrait. We felt the justice of the reproof and the weight of the punishment. Portraits, henceforth, were taboo.
This affair of Old Hickory's picture is mentioned in a letter written by TR to Archie, April 11, 1908:
"I explained to them (the Gang] that they had acted like boors; that it would have been a disgrace to have behaved so in any gentleman's house. . . . They were four very sheepish small boys when I got through with them."
Despite the President's rebuke, it was less a matter of behaviour, than one of truth, and of our having partially evaded it, which really disturbed us.

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